Lifestyle Hub, Trophy City

Last week when I reached to pull Gary Shteyngart’s Super Sad True Love Story from the squeezed edge of my crowded bookshelf, I was in search of something fun after weeks of lackluster reading. Since the winter’s highlight that was Moby Dick, it’s been downhill. I was in the mood for some fruition of Super Sad’s promising blurbs: “Devastatingly funny”, “snarkily funny”, “a wildly funny book…” I had no idea that the story took place in New York City, nor could I know that the hounds of serendipity had chased me to this title. Super Sad True Love Story is devastating alright, a darkly humorous and truly sad meditation on the fate of America’s greatest city and possibly the rest of us along with it.

Two weeks ago I was in New York for the first time. My five days there were relaxed and perfectly timed. I toured my son’s future college, took in a few sights, and enjoyed being with friends where we could play at fitting in while burnishing the thought of our quiet homes and the luxury of space and beauty that is life on the prairie. It seems a tiny bit unfair, flitting into a city to take pleasure from it and leaving only dollars in return. That’s tourism, but in a magnificent place like New York it somehow feels extra gratuitous knowing that many of the people who keep New York alive cannot afford to live there. As our happy little group (a psychology professor, an expert hospital consultant and me, a public health nurse) walked to dinner one night, the thought came to me that each of us is exactly the sort of person a big city can overwhelmingly benefit from. In New York there is seemingly no room for the norm, only those on the way up and those at the very top.

Super Sad True Love Story takes place in a future, scifi-like New York, one where the dollar is permanently pegged to the yuan and the real currency is youth, wealth, and sex appeal. The up-and-coming each wear a glistening, amulet-like “äppärät” that flashes their credit score, income, health, personality score, fuckability, all the data that allows them to FAC (Form A Community) with one another in the street. “Learn to rate everyone around you. Get your data in order,” are the instructions Lenny Abramov receives from his boss at Post-Human Services where he is a Life Lovers Outreach Coordinator. Lenny’s job is to find high net worth individuals (HNWIs) and sell them his company’s line of concoctions and procedures to permanently reverse aging and thus live forever. Even as Lenny and his cohorts flash their high credit (if not always likeability or attractiveness) scores, the city services around them have been privatized and conglomerated into a network of shady mercenaries that protect only the few while brutalizing those who resist occupation.

Lenny embodies nostalgia for another New York, one that exists in movies and possibly never was real except for the people who should have been able to keep it – New Yorkers. He owns a 740 square foot apartment that holds his “Wall of Books”, cherished even though his co-workers sneer that books smell. Lenny is 39 and becomes smitten with a 24 year old Korean woman, Eunice Park, whose cold shoulder drives him to great lengths to win her. He woos Eunice with passion, sincerity, and some old fashioned goodness. Eunice spends her vacuous days scanning her äppärät for labels commanding the utmost prestige: JuicyPussy, AssLuxury, and Onionskins, a ubiquitously worn, transparent fabric designed to parade women’s clean shaven genitalia for inspection and ranking. Eunice barrages her friends and sister in texts about clothing and an obsession with her weight of eighty three pounds, her degree in Images and Assertiveness instantly clashing with Lenny’s hardscrabble NYU education and old world sensibilities. They are natural enemies in a relationship that is fraught and tired from the beginning and worth more than a few cringes for its age gap and differences.

Just as the Dutch colony of New Amsterdam was a wild throw-down of disparate types from all over the world, the love story Shteyngart writes is one of an almost violent mismatch that grinds together out of desperation and need. Lenny grovels while Eunice demands and withholds. Each presents as a stereotype of the culture from which they spring; Lenny is the son of incessantly worrying Russian Jewish immigrants and Eunice the daughter of a Korean family mired in a cycle of abuse from a tyrannical father and subservient mother. As the stories of the lovers’ families unfolded, I began to view Super Sad True Love Story as something other than a human love story, rather a love letter to the City. It’s possible to read the whole novel as an allegory, the yuch factor of the relationship emblematic of the discord with which New York exists.

As in the 17th century when the melding of like minded Puritans and Pilgrims begat the early symmetry of Boston, a genuine love story can unfold when two fairly well adjusted people meet and simply like one another. Lenny and Eunice can’t possess that luxury, even when they incessantly seek status and beauty. But this is New York, so they give it an uneasy and not completely unlovely try.

Last night I read a snippet about some asinine celebrity swearing by a process of alkalinization, or maybe it was de-alkalinization, who knows? “I thought of Eunice Park and her pH-balanced body, healthy and strong.” It was then that I really laughed at the novel I’d just finished. I can’t be a New Yorker, but as a reader I can recognize literature that is simply longing and nostalgia for something or someone who isn’t there anymore. Gary Shteyngart’s love for his city is the story here, and it’s a brilliant satire of how we all live now and what we stand to lose even more of. What Lenny wants is not Eunice.

I wanted to go home. I wanted to go home to the 740 square feet that used to be mine. I wanted to go home to what used to be New York City.

What Lenny has is something like her.

Welcome to America 2.0: A GLOBAL Partnership

THIS Is New York: Lifestyle Hub, Trophy City

New York from Ellis Island, May 21, 2015

Derekh

This is a love story. If that makes you uncomfortable we can part ways right now and none will be the wiser. This post has taken months to write, longer still thinking about what I could possibly throw down in words to reflect a sea change within. This year has not taken the usual route of reading and writing. It’s been time spent looking inside, asking questions, learning and settling in to life as a Jew. Not unlike moving house, one day you are stumbling over boxes and loose ends in an effort to put things right. Soon the new space begins to feel familiar and nights in the dark don’t feel so discomfiting. You sleep soundly.

Becoming a Jew is something I contemplated for many years, even though I remember sitting in a warm Presbyterian sanctuary as a girl and feeling happy there. I enjoyed dressing up, wearing shiny shoes and being around people who were fragrant and upstanding. It was all very nice. There was only one problem, a pestering thought that rose up from time to time. In trying to speak that thought I found that there was no outlet for its acceptance or acknowledgement. This created an adolescent version of cognitive dissonance within me. The thought was my disbelief that Jesus rose from the dead. I just didn’t buy Christianity’s stronghold, and I felt like a fraud each time I confronted this knowledge within myself.

This was not a dark place to be spiritually as a child growing up in East Tennessee. I chalked it up to the necessity of doubt. Then in seventh grade I became friends with a girl who changed my life, though I wouldn’t know it for some time. She was the blondest, most gregarious songbird of a girl, and our mutual regard was instant. Her name is Jacqueline, and when we became friends I knew that there was something unique about her. She simply exuded something that I wanted for myself – a confidence and zest that’s impossible to describe. When our junior high school talent show featured her singing Come Saturday Morning in a beautiful, strong soprano voice that a couple of the students sitting near me derided as being Jewish, it felt as though I’d been slapped. My knowledge of Judaism was nonexistent. I had only the faintest schoolgirl understanding of the Shoah and no exposure to Jewish culture. But I loved Jacquie. She was outspoken and a friend to all. Known for her boisterousness in both humor and kindness, her voice was clearly finer than anything else in the talent competition. And she was being judged harshly because of her Jewishness. I knew that it was unfair but could not begin to imagine how much so. What endears me to Jacquie then and now is admiration for how she took the snub. She knew that her talent offering was the best; not only did she not retaliate against anti-Semitic overtures, she never missed a beat in remaining open to anyone. She retains this characteristic, and it serves her well as a mother, teacher, musician, and cantor.

I moved here in 1987 and learned somehow that there was a synagogue in town. I would drive by and imagine myself in attendance, sitting in the back to listen and learn. It seemed an impossibility as I didn’t know any members and knew nothing at all about conversion. This was a dark time spiritually as I felt godless and lost. Around 2000, I met a couple of Jewish women who were starting a book group. The group floundered, but one of the friendships remained. Wendy was instrumental to the slow and gradual introduction to Judaism that I took. She listens, instructs, and laughs both with me and at me along this way. She was the perfect person to travel with me to Iowa City this June for the conversion ceremony, and she cried tears of joy as I held the Torah for the first time. We learn together, the girl raised in Studio City, California, who never attended synagogue as a child and who became a bat mitzvah at age 49, and the girl who grew up in Appalachia, the child who felt the pintele yid but could not name it.

My first visit to the synagogue for Shabbat was in 2003, the same year I entered nursing school. One of the great things about going back to school is how fresh ideas seem when you find them as an adult. Along with the principles of acid-base balance, there were many exciting thinkers to discover, chief among them Martin Buber whose I-Thou changed the way I view people as a nurse and brought me closer to a Jewish understanding of God. As I began thinking differently about the world and started to catch glimpses of what can only be described as the Divine in others, I began to wonder if my absence of belief could be instead a way of searching for God. This discovery still has the power to surprise and overwhelm me. In order to find God on my own, I had to turn my back and be godless to fully break with what I didn’t believe. There are days when you could knock me over with a feather at the outcome. To make such a journey, a derekh, from someone who could not find God into someone learning to look for HaShem in everything, is a great and continuing joy.

For so long the values, music, rituals, prayers, and language of Judaism drew me as though I was being summoned home in the evening by forces of warmth and light. When I began attending Shabbat services, the congregation and rabbi welcomed me and I have never looked back. There are many Jews, the malakhim, who share with me their knowledge, understanding, and wisdom – rabbis, congregants, classmates, friends. There is S., who, without realizing it, opened a door in me through which fear vanished forever. There are those whose work and writing shapes me every day. There is Martin Buber. The tradition is so plentiful that I can only hope to scratch the surface. Judaism stands to welcome the convert as it has for more than three thousand years; now it is my home, too.

 

No cake ever tasted sweeter.

No cake ever tasted sweeter.

 

 

David Esterly – The Lost Carving

In 1986 a major fire swept through the Hampton Court palace located southwest of London on the river Thames. Maybe I remember hearing about the fire at the time, though probably not, and my slight knowledge of the conflagration no doubt stems from some osmosis of history that occurs each time I visit England. When I think about Hampton Court, the main impression I’ve held until now is that of Henry VIII’s fifth wife, Kathryn, screaming through the halls looking for her husband to beg his mercy while the king’s henchmen pursued her to lop off her head. Hampton Court is a dramatic site visually and historically, replete with all of the grandeur that an English palace so handily projects.

Among the many treasures to be found at Hampton Court are the intricate limewood carvings of Grinling Gibbons. Gibbons was a 17th century artist who occupied an almost singular niche until the Hampton Court disaster and the subsequent hiring of an American wood carver, David Esterly, to replicate a large Gibbons panel destroyed in the fire. The Lost Carving is Esterly’s 2012 meditation on his work twenty-five years ago, a spectacular piece of writing, and my favorite among the books I read last year. It’s the best sort of non-fiction, a fluidly descriptive account of the nuts and bolts of woodcarving mingled with Esterly’s observations on the politics, mystery, and meaning of his experience. I would not have imagined becoming so engrossed in the telling of such a particular story; indeed my awareness of the book is only thanks to the triple wonder that is Twitter, this best of 2013 list, and inter-library loan. My perception of the tedium of woodcarving is now forever swept clean by Esterly’s poetic tone and his lightly philosophical language that touched me with its musing on what it means to be part of making something beautiful in the wake of catastrophe.

In the opening pages Esterly writes about feeling removed from life’s immediacy after completing graduate school in the early 1970s. Educated at Harvard and as a Fulbright scholar at Cambridge, Esterly spent years studying philosophy and English only to find himself “exhausted with intellectual effort.”

I was retreating like a mollusk deep into its whorled shell. I grew tired even of beauty, almost. It was beginning to seem like little more than anything else that might enter your mind. Little more than another thought. I remembered Coleridge in his dejection, writing about seeing, not feeling, beauty.

This changes suddenly one day as Esterly and his future wife, Marietta, are walking to tea in London and she playfully pulls him into St James Church on Piccadilly where the work of Grinling Gibbons adorns the altar.

Altar, St James Church, Piccadilly, London

Altar, St James Church, Piccadilly, London

Have I made all this up? Marietta says not. We walked toward the altar. Floating on the reredos, the wall behind the altar, was a shadowy tangle of vegetation, carved to airy thinness. Organic forms, in an organic medium. My steps slowed, and stopped. I stared. The sickness came over me. It seemed one of the wonders of the world. The traffic noise on Piccadilly went silent, and I was at the still center of the universe.

Thus does Esterly’s life elevate into one of careful craftsmanship, sublimity released from cast aside academia as simple tools fill his novice hands. Esterly begins from scratch, teaching himself the basics of woodcarving and patterning Gibbons’s use of the limewood medium, working out the kinks of his new career and knowing it to be so poorly paid that “carvers are starvers.”

Fast forward to 1986 and Hampton Court. Even though Esterly is a graduate of Cambridge University and has lived for many years in England, the man in charge of the Hampton Court restoration project fights Esterly’s hiring for the job and makes progress difficult because of anti-American bias. At this point, Esterly is one of only two or three master carvers capable of reproducing the thin limewood delicacy of Gibbons’s finest work, but the faction of Englishmen who work against him is united in its “caustic rejection” and “puzzling acerbity” in response to his ideas and processes. Esterly, thorough in his knowledge and understanding, not only of Gibbons’s work but also his life, channels the setbacks of Gibbons’s own career in order to meet the tiresome challenge of contending with petty, arrogant, and self-important people.

In 1671 Gibbons, a Dutchman by birth, was a 22 year old shipcarver at the Deptford dockyard. In his spare time he worked to perfect his limewood carving, a skill that he hoped would bring him favor as an artisan within higher circles. His discovery by an aristocrat, John Evelyn, seemed to place him in line for work on the multitude of projects designed by the architect Christopher Wren in the wake of London’s Great Fire of 1666. “But there’s a problem with this fast-forward and its smooth crescendo: it masks the reality of what actually happened. It leaves out a disaster, the debacle that shaped the rest of Gibbons’s career and generated the style that made him famous.” Wren patently rejected Gibbons and refused to hire him.

Sitting here in a sunny window, I recall the exhilaration I felt when I finally pieced together the origins of Gibbons’s style. It hadn’t come with his mother’s milk. The muses hadn’t paid a midnight visit to a genius in his studio. There was no annunciation. It was forged in bitter failure, made up out of rejected parts, probably in humiliation and confusion, by a man groping for a way forward. Gibbons had been pushed off the ladder he was climbing toward the high art of sculpture, and found himself where Yeats says all ladders start, in the foul rag-and-bone shop of an unsatisfied heart.

This is where we reach the “what happened next” part of The Lost Carving. It would be unfair and cruel of me to spoil it for you. As someone who relishes change in all of its mess and glory, it’s fair to state that Esterly’s writing about a woodcarving project is ultimately about the work of lifecarving. That’s trite, a banal play on words from a reader who found The Lost Carving so well written and important that I’m keeping a purchased copy close by for times when I need to read about ‘The Fascination of What’s Difficult’, ‘The Use of Time is Fate’, and ‘The Thinking of the Body’. The Lost Carving is a small altar to approach again and again, to feel the joy in its making.

Carving had pressed some celestial Enhance button. Now that I was trying to add to it, I was haunted by the beauty of the world. I thought back to my academic days, when I’d stood on the hill overlooking the Fens and felt the world receding from me. Now it was rushing back, with colors and shapes that had a new savor to them. Rushing back, reenchanted.

It was as if the old dream were true, that some single Platonic form of beauty flowed through the human and natural world. And gave a camaraderie to those who chase after it, whose hands produce it and eyes are attuned to it. You didn’t need to be doing it for a living, either. It’s one of the best reasons for taking up the arts as an amateur: to hone your senses. Make their bevels finer, so that you can get a better angle on the beauty of the world.

Patrick Süskind – The Pigeon

Who hasn’t heard, spoken, or believed the big blanket, “People never change.” For it’s true, isn’t it? Except when it’s not. The moment when someone, real or fictional, gets to break free and move — whether in a big way or ever so slightly, towards something different — keeps me interested and, with any luck, brings the possibility of change home to rub into my life. Fiction can’t die as long as there are readers (and that’s a lot of us) who love the epiphanic moment. Even if it’s only a split second, the novella rather than a novel, traveling along with a character who changes ever so slightly can feel akin to going there, too.

So delightful is this emotional payoff that its promise can sustain me through the thicket of thousands of words. Imagine my satisfaction at hitting pay dirt within a little over one hundred small and widely spaced pages. Such is The Pigeon, a 1988 novella by German writer Patrick Süskind, his first effort after the success of his 1985 debut, Perfume. The first novel is famous, much talked about and loved, though I found it so wildly impressionistic that it felt thin. I couldn’t grab hold of anything within Perfume, and such was my disappointment at this that I’ve sought more of Süskind’s work to counter the effect. A few years back I read Mr. Summer’s Story, another novella that is unforgettable in its quiet horror.

The Pigeon is, alternatively, nothing if not a tale of redemption. “Ho hum”, you sigh. Haven’t we seen and done it all, read and considered everything? Shouldn’t literature wow us in its clever presentation, always showing and never telling, baffling and leading us astray before holding out some slim shred of hope for its protagonists? Better yet, a story ought to dash its characters and the reader to bits with what surely is the bleak and unrelenting truth, right? Sometimes, like a child in her cot, I just want a story. That this uplifting tale should come from a writer as skilled in dark method as Mr. Süskind is a winsome surprise.

The Pigeons Jonathan Noel is an unremarkable Parisian, a bank security guard whose life is changed one morning by the appearance of that famously dirty bird in his apartment hallway. The novella spans only 24 hours, yet Süskind deftly reveals Jonathan’s entire life story in the first few sentences. A child of wartime, Jonathan loses both parents and is hidden on a farm for his youth.  Jonathan is “shipped off to Indochina” where he is wounded and ill. His return home is accompanied by a humiliating marriage and abandonment.

Drawing on all these episodes, Jonathan Noel came to the conclusion that you cannot depend on people, and that you can live in peace only if you keep them at arm’s length.

Jonathan moves to Paris and begins the quiet lockdown of everything that could allow semblance of life. He shuns his neighbors, rebuffs the kindness of his apartment concierge, and exists only to await death.

For he was not fond of events, and hated outright those that rattled his inner equilibrium and made a muddle of the external arrangements of life.

We meet him at the age of fifty-three, a time in life when the opportunity for change typically presents itself in less than dramatic fashion, if at all. As the morning of his day begins with its common ablutions, Jonathan opens the door of his rented room to find a pigeon sitting in the hallway at his doorstep. He’s terrified, “…a pigeon is the epitome of chaos and anarchy, a pigeon that whizzes around unpredictably.”

The morning routine abandoned, Jonathan finds himself pissing in his washbasin and making plans to flee the room for a hotel where he might live in perfect peace away from the unexpected. The day becomes increasingly dark and complex as Jonathan’s disrupted equilibrium sends him off kilter at work. Fractious with his concierge and nervously missing the mark with his tasks, he finds himself on lunch break lost in observation of a homeless clochard sleeping on a park bench.

Jonathan watched him. And as he watched him, a strange disquiet came over him…(The clochard) ate and drank with the best of appetites, slept the sleep of the just and…gave the impression of a firmly grounded personality in finest harmony with the world and enjoying life…whereas he now saw himself, at age fifty-three, plunging head over heels into a crisis that confounded the life’s plan he had devised for himself and was making him crazy and confused and had him eating raisin rolls for the pure confusion of it, and for fright. Yes, he was frightened!

The day’s events become more distressing when Jonathan rips a hole in the leg of his trousers and is unable to persuade a seamstress to mend them immediately. At this point Süskind has written his man into such a state of anxiety and upset that the reader might surely begin to despair for the turmoil within this “sphinxlike” character. That would be a missed opportunity to go somewhere and to bring home something extraordinary.

In Süskind’s Mr Summer’s Story, an old man walks and walks in a seemingly pointless trajectory that brings him into the life of a young boy facing disappointment and dark aloneness. There is walking in The Pigeon as well. “Walking soothes. There is a healing power in walking.” That walk is yours to take when you read The Pigeon.

Places in the World

“I  had a farm in Africa…” Wait! This is not that, but I do belong to a book group in England. I joined in 2006 after an out of hand rejection to my inquiry about membership in a certain local reader’s group. Belonging to the group in England has been a great thing, and in a few weeks I’ll be traveling there to meet up with several of the members as we gather for a few days in Barnard Castle, a small town near Durham. This will be our last real get together as a group. The energies have shifted and participation is ever so slowly dying on the vine. Parts of the trip won’t be easy –  the saying of goodbyes, my fervent wishing that the laughter and conversation could last forever in the face of all obstacles. It is painful in the way of visiting a seriously ill person; the reality is that the fresh ideas and inquisitive spirit of the group are squelched in the shadow of those behemoths of immediacy, Facebook and Twitter. It’s been a spectacular run for an online discussion group, ten years now for the founding members, and there are many lives enriched and changed by dusting up against thoughts about reading and cinema, explorations of The Apprentice and the schlock of B-horror, all for the most part peacefully. There just isn’t a downside to this, other than its sputtering out.

Getting ready to travel lifts me into that state of pleasurable anticipation where thinking about the whole experience comes to the forefront and the mundane gets pushed aside to make way for excitement and wonder. The others in the group are far and away better read than I am; not for one second has this put me off chasing after them in an intellectual sense. I am the pesky American, the one asking questions, drinking it in, feeling excited about the newness of all the different directions to discover in reading and experience. In a sense I’ve been birthed again as a reader and thinker through membership in such a diverse and interesting group.

And yet on a long walk tonight, I thought not only about what a fortunate circumstance it is to travel, but what a happy thing it is to come home. The desk at my new job affords me a window onto the lovely city park here where Abraham Lincoln once debated. There’s a beauty and simplicity about my chosen home town that can make my heart flutter from thousands of miles away. It’s a good place to live, to dwell in what some days feels like an international station for connection with people who are down the street, across town, even across the continent and ocean. Not to mention the one most dear to me who sleeps down the hall and who is like me in his ability to make and keep close ties.

My son is getting to know teens from other places, and I’m amazed at how varied and strong these relationships can be. Last December, one of his closest friends visited here for a week. As I drove the boys home from the airport, somewhere between St Louis and Hannibal I learned for the first time that the boy’s father is prominent within NBC. In all of my exchanges with his mother it hadn’t come up because it wasn’t important. What could have been an awkward chasm of class division never opened, thanks to the graciousness of the boy’s family and my son and his friend. I was pleased to show the young man a Sinclair station with its ceramic dinosaur décor, wild turkeys flocking in a snowy Missouri field, and the lights of Kansas City as we drove in to spend a couple of days celebrating the New Year. My son looks forward to visiting his friend at some point when they can ride the subway and explore city life.

As the big world gets smaller and more navigable, I think more and more about Martin Buber’s philosophy of being open to each experience, each person, as an I-Thou relationship. When I’m available to the complex, indescribable melding that is the chance lying within almost every encounter, I’m open to the Eternal Thou. This is not pie in the sky, nor is it a dreamy state of willful ignorance to problems or conundrums such as class division and out of hand rejection. Rather it is at the heart of solutions small and ultimately larger. It’s the way of reaching out and then returning home to live more fully. I’d like to think that Martin Buber would never acknowledge any notion of mobility as simply “up” or “down.” Truly there is no such thing. There is really only out and back.  Buber wrote, “One who truly meets the world goes out also to God.” Out into the world, back into place.

9 o’clock somewhere

On A Thing Itself

Sometimes insight visits the most unlikely spots…Yesterday morning as I was sunk in the depths of a fragrant bath, an idea bolted my way as one possible reason for some of the gun love Americans suffer. Bear along…

There’s a valid notion that we all reject thought (let alone engagement) within those arenas where our limitations glare. For me, that’s athletics. Not pure sport or the love of play, both areas where I can be reasonably comfortable. But the notion of any competitive team sport participation leaves me with an urge to piss on the spot where it’s even suggested.  I usually dismiss team sport figures as unworthy of a moment’s notice. The announcer’s voice of the high school sports segment coming onto the late local newscast never fails to make me change the channel with a reflexive, nasty snarl. Why?

It has to be the sack race. Yep, that horrible Field Day event in grade school where you’re stuffed feet first into a closed burlap sack and forced to run in a straight line towards all of the teammates that you are disappointing with your clumsy gait and scrawny, losing attempt. Even before the game began, even before the school day began, even before breakfast on Field Day, my palms and armpits were soaked in dread.

The same goes for people who slap away their emotions and who seemingly view intimate connection as hogwash. This is where Mad Men’s Don Draper lives, in the world of incessantly running from his emotional life and using the most convenient avenues to relieve his anxiety over it. He’s the dog chasing his own tail, the guy who can nail an emotion with an idea and use it to tap the current of the human stream without bothering himself to swim there because of the terror that he might drown by his own flailing stroke. Dangling perilously above it all, he’s consumed by the same thing that moistens my hands even now when I dream that some grungy schoolyard gang is choosing sides for the sack race and I’m being scrutinized for my inability.

In the Oxford Dictionary, the word “fear” shares its origin with the word “revere.” To hold in awe. What makes us tremble and sweat can be part of why we hold uncomfortable ideas at arm’s length. There are those who can’t accept the reality of ourselves as flesh and blood, finite beings. Unable to deal with the fear of being physically afraid, I believe these are the folks who load up on guns. These are the people who react wildly and viscerally to any rational discussion of gun control by feeling, in a place way beyond what’s logical, supremely threatened when they are called upon as a group to be accountable.

Trying to imagine what it would feel like living in a home with guns, I wonder how those who own them and keep them to hand might fall asleep with a sense of safety that is different from my own. I feel plenty safe. Still there are those rare nights when I wake up suddenly with a jolt, my heart pounding at some loud noise in the unknown distance. I know that having guns would not prevent my waking, nor the beating of my heart in my ears. Yet I can understand how the notion of adding a violent layer of self protection into the mix might fool someone into feeling that she is putting her fears to bed as she is buying that gun, pushing dread away where she believes she can manage it. For someone like this, a frightened waking in the night could be unbearable.

Human inadequacy is plentiful, and just maybe the trick is to slowly work to feel competent where the gap is greatest. I might sign up for a physical competition of some sort, Don Draper may learn to swim in his emotional current (and move beyond the simpering user Megan), and it’s possible that somewhere in America today a gun owner is dismantling a firearm and turning it in for a gift certificate because she realizes that her fear places her in the greatest danger, and that the end of fear begins with recognition of it for what it is – a thing itself.

images

Lights

At my house there is a light bulb that has burned for at least sixteen years, for as long as I’ve lived here. It’s an old incandescent screwed into a motion detector that protects my basement door and garage way. It is a dusty and dirty old thing fastened to a clunkily unsophisticated fixture, and I’ve ceased attempting to clean it in any way, if I ever did. Being motion sensitive, it enjoys long periods of rest, summer days when both leaving and returning home are brightly sunlit even into the far reaches of the garage. Those good days, when the southern and western exposures of the house are filled with the warmth of illumination and the sense of carefree safety, lead me to the lazy assumption that because of its limited use my bulb will last forever. Only in the past few years did I notice the bulb and the fact that I have never replaced it; my attention to its longevity no doubt springs from some unremembered easing into the garage during a bad storm, or a late night out, some small, grateful moment of respite from whatever unease makes us all glad to be home and parked.

Thus, at some point the little-light-bulb-that-could drew my notice, and now it is something that I frequently consider, especially late Sunday night as it blinks to life when I drag the trash bin from the garage to the street. I think about the bulb when the neighbor’s cats come creeping into the yard to fight and yowl, their bodies large enough to trip the motion detector before they slink back into the night. I think about it during fierce thunderstorms when wind and leaves thrashing in black skies batter the little light to shine and at times even remain lit until the storms’ wildest urges subside.

This year I have thought more about the bulb, wondering how long it might last and whether, with the discontinuation of incandescents, I should squirrel away a couple of 100 watters just in case. Speculating about this has led to thinking about more intimate lights, especially in these last days of an excruciating year, one in which it seemed there were fingers of darkness grasping at me from every corner.

I began the year musing about a long lasting security bulb and now end it thinking about other lights that are, for no better way to express it, on the inside of me. There is light to be found in the darkest days of a dim year. In a couple of weeks, the shortest day will pass, trumpeting the heart of winter but bringing a little extra daytime to struggle through it. Those extra minutes of January lead me to anticipate spring, a stealthy excitement that always brings with it energy and renewed focus. Next year my only resolve is to remain alight within, to stay open and soft inside. To this end, I have a reminder, a little chat light on my phone, something I turned on a while ago for someone else but instantly found that I enjoy keeping lit for myself. It’s something that can’t be snuffed out, a token acknowledgement that it’s important to just be myself.

Last night, for the first time, I lit a small menorah and let it shine through my dining room window onto the street below. It’s a symbol of freedom and the fanning of an ember that I’ve held close since childhood, a pull towards Judaism and the God of Moses. In lighting the shamash and speaking the ancient prayer aloud, I felt connected to the same spirit of liberation from oppression that Hanukkah represents. It’s a joyful light, and it feels like the re-dedication of something that feels like faith.